Through working with and talking to children, one of the most common answers to my question, “Do you like school?” is simply: “No.”And very often it ends with:
“I hate school.”
What I have found is that it is rarely about school itself.
Usually there is a part of the school experience that feels really jarring or confusing for them, but they cannot quite explain what the problem is.
The real challenge is figuring out which part they are struggling with.
For some children it can feel like everything, but often they simply cannot put their feelings into words.
As parents, our minds can quickly start spiralling:
Are they being bullied?
Is it the teacher?
Are they unhappy at school?
Sometimes those things can be true. But quite often the reason is much smaller and more specific than we first imagine.
So, let’s take a closer look at some of the reasons children may struggle with parts of the school day.
Some children experience the school day as a constant stream of:
They may move from maths to assembly, from quiet work to group work, and from playground noise back to classroom rules, all within a short period of time.
For a child who needs more time to process information, or who finds busy environments overwhelming, this constant switching can feel exhausting.
Sometimes children appear to cope well all day at school, but by the time they get home they are completely drained.
I saw this with my own son when he was younger. He actually loved school. He enjoyed learning and being there, but he had medical conditions and global delay, which meant he was using a lot of energy just to get through the day.
He would keep going while he was at school, doing everything that was expected of him. But when he came home, he was often completely exhausted.
Sometimes that exhaustion showed up as tears or emotional reactions.
It wasn’t because he hated school.
It was simply because the school day had taken so much energy.
Many children experience something similar. They hold everything together during the day and then release those emotions once they get home, where they finally feel safe enough to do so.
For other children, the difficulty is not exhaustion but the constant pressure to fit into expectations throughout the day.
School requires children to:
Some children cope with this easily, while others find it extremely demanding.
If a child spends the entire day trying to follow rules that don’t always make sense to them, or trying to manage situations that feel confusing, frustration can slowly build up.
By the time they get home, that frustration often spills out.
Parents may see anger, emotional reactions, or complete refusal to talk about school. But underneath that behaviour is often a child who has been working incredibly hard just to get through the day.
Many of the expectations in school are not directly taught.
Children are expected to understand things like:
For some children, these expectations are not obvious.
When a child does not fully understand what is expected of them, they can begin to feel as though they are constantly getting things wrong.
Even something as simple as asking for help is not always straightforward. Some children understand how to do this immediately, while others need it explained more clearly.
Schools cannot always break down every small step for every child, which can sometimes leave children trying to work things out on their own.
One of the most helpful things parents can do is create small, calm moments to talk with their child about their experiences.
This doesn’t have to happen right after school when everyone is tired. In fact, some of the best conversations happen at completely different times — perhaps at the weekend or during a relaxed moment in the evening.
Even 20 minutes of quality time can make a difference.
This might be:
The key is that the moment feels calm and relaxed, not like an interrogation.
When children feel safe and connected, they are often much more open to talking.
You might gently ask questions like:
These small moments of connection help children feel listened to and understood. Over time, this builds trust and makes communication much easier.
Children rarely struggle simply because they want to.
Most of the time, there is a reason behind what we see.
It might be tiredness.
It might be frustration.
It might be confusion about expectations.
It might be social difficulties.
When we slow things down and take the time to understand what is really going on, we can begin to support our children in ways that truly help
When children begin to understand the “why,” they are far more able to choose the “how.”
Thank you for reading.